J.D. Salinger once said, "I'm a reverse paranoiac. I keep thinking that people are conspiring to make me happy." How do we see the people in our lives? Are the people in our lives a problem to solve, or are they with us for us to appreciate, love and enjoy? Do we enjoy them, or are we too busy trying to fix them? Do we see our friends and loved ones as basically OK as they are, or do they need our help to get better? Someone said that nothing is so impatient as watching our loved ones' lack of progress in life. If they would only change, then we would be doing just fine. Perhaps if we just let go of our need to change the people that are with us, we would discover how really OK they already are. And what a great relief it would be not to have to carry our worry and concern for them around with us everywhere. We can come to realize that we are in relationship to the people in our lives simply through love, appreciation, respect, kindness and trust. So we can relax and let our friends and loved ones reveal the beauty of who they are to us. 

We know of romantic love, paternal and maternal love, love of country, love of home— but what is spiritual love? Spiritual love is when, in the instant, through no apparent cause, we feel incredible joy and wonder at the sheer fact of being alive. There is no predictable pattern, ritual or routine that can lead us to spiritual love. There is a sudden inexplicable opening of our heart to the universe— we feel a cosmic freedom, a tremendous clarity, energy and harmony existing in us and outside of us simultaneously— and we are simply at peace with all. This experience sometimes comes to young children, or it can happen to young adults or to the elderly. It can come at any time and in any place. There is no rhyme or reason to spiritual love. It just somehow gathers us into itself, and we are free, and we breathe the air of an infinite openness of the heart. Don't worry if it hasn't happened yet— it will. The next moment may bring it, or maybe, even this moment.... 

A couple once rushed into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "We need a tooth pulled in a hurry. We don't have time for novacaine or gas; we just want it pulled right now." The dentist replied, "You are a very brave man, sir. Let me see the tooth that needs extracting." The man turned to his wife and said, "Show him the tooth, honey." While we may all be part of the oneness of all life, it can be very useful to establish boundaries between ourselves and the people in our lives. No matter how close we feel toward another person, we are not that person, and there are areas of difference between us. We don't have to always agree on everything. Personal integrity means that we establish limits in our relationships. We are each unique individuals in this life; it's OK and even healthy to be different; if we were all the same, how dull and boring this life would be. As we walk our path on this earth as separate beings, it's OK to share our journey with each other as long as we remember that we're not joined to each other at the hip. 

Someone once said, "If you won't let me alone, I'll find someone who will." How deeply do we want to know and be known by another or others in this life? When we fall in love, our ego boundaries dissolve, and we feel an oceanic merging with another person. Yet, after awhile, our boundaries reappear, and we find ourselves again individuated— not merging but, as D.H. Lawrence said, "two individuals orbiting around each other." Intimacy does not mean that we lose ourselves in the other. True intimacy means that we remain true to ourselves, and therefore we can allow ourselves to deepen our connection with those in our life. There is a kind of openness which comes from discovering our own unique way of being in this life. And that openness carries over into all of our relationships. Intimacy becomes a condition of our being, and openness becomes the way in which our heart responds to this life. 

Ramakrishna tells a story about a man who is carrying flowers to his girlfriend. He is so concentrated on his love for her and so absorbed in his concern to bring her these beautiful flowers, that he accidentally stumbles across the body of a meditating yogi. The enraged yogi jumps up and yells at the man, "How can you be so clumsy to disturb the peace of my meditation?" The man replies, "I was so absorbed in the thoughts of my love that I didn't even notice you— how come your meditation is so shallow that it can be disturbed so easily?" The point, of course, is that what we love, we pay attention to. Love is the motivating force that gives us the ability to move ahead in our pursuits in this life with singleness of purpose and unbroken concentration. When we really feel great love for some person, we find that it is easy and simple to do the right thing to bring beauty and joy into that person's life. 

Who do we really love in this life? Most of us begin our lives with parental love for either our parents or those who bring us up. Then many of us experience adolescent love and then, later, marital love or love of a significant other. We may also experience the joys of spiritual love with people with whom we share a deep spiritual bond and kinship. Yet with each kind of love experience, be it parental, romantic or spiritual, we don't really decide to fall in love or to be in love— our hearts suddenly open and we feel a deep inner connection with the other person. We let go to love as we let go to water while we are swimming. Love has its own momentum, its rhythms and its own wisdom. We may not be able to choose how or when love will come to us, but we can always choose to be open and receptive to love when it does come our way. We can even decide to trust love to guide our way in this life. As Thoreau once said, "The only remedy for love is to love more," and Thomas Traherne said, "We can never love too much." Be open for more love in you life. 

U.G. Krishnamurti once told me, "Other people really aren't responsible for our problems—we really can't blame them." Perhaps maturity comes to us when we actually quit blaming others for our problems. It's so easy to blame the people in our lives for the situations in which we find ourselves. And we can always find support for our feelings of outrage or indignation. "Of course you've been mistreated and that no good so-and-so is to blame," some well-meaning friend will tell us. But commiseration does not heal. And holding on to a grudge beyond its time only makes us feel worse. We finally reach a point where we realize that other people are what they are— we can't hold them responsible for not being the way we want them to be. If our feelings get hurt, it's because of our expectations about others. We can release others from our need for them to make everything all right for us. And when we do so, we find that we really are all right— we can enjoy and appreciate the people in our life by letting them be who they are. 

What is it about our deepest and closest friendships that is of such profound and lasting value in our lives? A friend, a really close friend, is someone we can share our deepest thoughts and feelings with, without fear of ridicule or judgment. We can share anything with our friend without worry that we might somehow hurt his or her feelings. There is a perfect meeting of the mind and the heart with our friend. There is no winning or losing, no competitiveness, between us. We like being with our friends because we can relax and let go with them. Yet, as Emerson suggested, a true friend can and will point out our weaknesses and blind spots, our self-delusions, to us. A friend who can only agree with us would be a weak friend indeed. Our friend is always there to support and strengthen the very best that is in us, never our illusions or subterfuges. Our friend wants to see us strong and happy, and that's how we see our friend. 

I have a friend who, no matter how I'm feeling, when I talk to him, even if it's just for a few moments, I immediately feel better. If I'm feeling so-so, after speaking with my friend, I feel peaceful, open, alive and awake. If I'm already feeling good, when I talk to my friend, I feel very, very good. It's interesting how some people somehow always bring out the best in us. They make us very happy that we are not all alone on this earth. Sometimes the best thing we can do is connect for a few moments with a friend who brings us the joy of life. Sometimes it may not even be a human being: a dog or a cat may be the friend who reminds us of the goodness of our life. We are lucky that our hearts have drawn such friends. No matter who, let each of us have such a friend and call on him or her often. 

In his book Grist For The Mill, Ram Dass says, "In India when we meet and part we often say, 'Namasté' which means I honor the place within you where if you are in that place in you and I am in that place in me, there is only one of us...Namasté." Sometimes we feel so alone in this life, as if we are separate and apart from everyone and everything. Then, one day, we discover that place inside of ourselves in which we feel connected to all. Suddenly, we feel a part of the interwoveness of all life everywhere. From the farthest galaxies of outer space to our innermost thoughts and feelings, we realize there is no separation. Instead of separating us from everything, our skin relates us to everything in this world. When we feel this inner connection to all life everywhere, it's as if the pulse of the universe courses through our veins and the vast energy of the earth moves through our nervous system. We are suddenly and inexplicably one with the oneness of all life, and we know it, and we are at home in this life. 

Chuang Tzu, the great Taoist Chinese philosopher, once said, "That which is one is one. That which is not one is also one." Charles Williams, a great Christian mystic, once said, "We are each part of a vast web of interrelatedness." Sometimes we seem to forget our place in the scheme of things. We feel separate and apart— cut off from the flow of all things. As Lily Tomlin says, "Just remember, we're in this all alone." Sometimes we do feel as if there is no one here but us and that we have to make our way through this life ourselves, without help or support. But then there comes a shining moment of realization, and it dawns on us— yes, we are alone, but we are also infinitely connected. How could we not be a part of eyerything? If we are part of everything, then we have access to the allness of life. A Zen monk who humbly holds out his begging bowl is staking claim to the allness of life. We, too, can claim our share of the oneness of this life. 

Let's turn within for a moment and recognize our oneness with all life. We sometimes feel that we are all alone, separate and apart and that we have to make our way through this life unaided, all by ourselves. This feeling of separation can seem very real to us, but there is a deeper reality that unites us to this life, and we can consciously connect with this unity right now. In the Hindu tradition, there is a story about Vishnu, the creator/sustainer of the universe. One lazy summer day, Vishnu falls asleep and dreams the universe into being. The whole universe, everything and everyone, is simply Vishnu dreaming the illusion of separation. Let's wake up to our oneness with each other and with all life. 

Frequently we try too hard to live through a mental image of how we are supposed to be. We're filled with shoulds— I should be this, I should be that— this is how I should feel; this is what I should do. After awhile, we get so tired and so bored and frustrated trying to live up to an image of ourselves that we just have to let go and let ourselves be. And then we make an important discovery: we realize that nothing has to happen, that we don't have to be anyone. And things have a way of working out as we let them. When we let go of our mental construct about how things have to be and how we have to be, we simply begin to relax. As we relax, we begin to feel the opening of our heart. And more and more we begin to live from an intuitive rather than a prescriptive level. We respond appropriately to life's opportunities and challenges from a deep sense of calm coming from our own inwardness. We trust our hearts and all is well. 

Is it OK to feel? We may have been taught to suppress or deny our feelings. Or perhaps our feelings have gotten us into difficult or confusing situations. So we ask ourselves: can we really trust our feelings— isn't it better to not feel so much? And we may wander through our days keeping a firm lid on our feeling nature. But while denying our feelings may keep us from being sensitive to life's pains and sorrows, it also keeps us from being sensitive and open to the joy and beauty of this life. Oscar Wilde once said, "As for living, our servants can do that for us." And George Bernard Shaw said of a deceased acquaintance, "He died at 30 and was buried at 60." To cut ourselves off from our feeling nature is indeed a living death. So let's be willing to feel our feelings even though they are sometimes painful, because our feelings give meaning and joy and beauty and love to our life. As e.e. cummings wrote, "I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing / than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance." Let yourself feel the joy of this life. 

Sometimes we don't quite trust our feeling nature. We say to ourselves, "Look what my feelings have gotten me into." Someone once said, "Love is a many splintered thing." At times our deepest feelings seem to lead us on a bumpy path. We think: if only we weren't so involved with our emotions, how easy and simple this life would be. But our feelings also give us joy and happiness and a sense of fulfillment. There are the tears of gratitude we have shed for all the good this life has given us. Let's not deny our feelings, but, rather, let our emotions expand to feel the wholeness of this life. 

One of our big problems in life is defining boundaries between our self and our environment. Right now there is a baby bird in a nest in a tree right outside of our church building. The little bird seems to be almost interwoven with the nest; yet, as it gets larger each day, it's clear that very soon it will be too big for the nest and will have to fly off into its freedom. So too with us; there are times when we are being nurtured by a specific environment or circumstance. Perhaps it's a relationship, or a job, or a course of studies or perhaps it's a group of people. While nurturing is good in its time, as with our little bird, there may come a time when we outgrow this environment. We can't squeeze ourself into something that no longer fits, no matter how hard we may try. Sometimes we resist growth and change because we hate to leave the comfort and security of the old environment. But we are each spiritual pioneers— our task on this earth is to grow and discover, to take our leap into freedom and to explore the limitless wonder of this life. 

A very famous person's biography ended with the statement, Mr. So-and-So's only regret in life is that he is not somebody else. Sometimes we feel the same way— if only we were somebody else, and sometimes we add: anybody else. ChogyamTrungpa, the Tibetan Lama, said that our real job on earth was to overcome our tremendous embarrassment at being alive. It's like when we walk into a room full of strangers and we feel so self-conscious and awkward and embarrassed at just being who we are that we would rather be almost anybody else. At these times, when we feel unsettled or uncertain about ourselves or we just wish we were better, smarter, handsomer or prettier or more spiritual or more together, let's try to practice self-kindness and self-gentleness. Remember, it's not easy being us, but there's really no one else we can be— so relax, let go and just simply and without strain be you and let that be enough. 

When we are sick with a cold or flu, we can go to a doctor and ask for medicine, or we can try to do self-healing by getting more rest, taking vitamins and drinking liquids. We can also practice an inner self-healing. When we are feeling agitated or out of sorts, we can try just relaxing and letting go of all the worries, all the problems, all the doubts and fears and concerns, and just let ourself be OK for a few minutes. We really don't have to have all the solutions to our life this moment. Things will become better right away if we just put everything aside and so totally let go that, inside of ourselves, we feel peace and a sense of release and freedom. Things have always worked out for us; of course, they will work out now. We can relax, be still, let go and let the solution come. 

There's an old joke that goes: how many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer is one, but the lightbulb has to want to change. Sometimes we say, "If only, if only things were different, then everything would be OK for me." But then life has a way of bringing about some great change for us, and then we say, "Wait a minute—when I said I wanted to change, I didn't mean big change, I meant small change." And we realize that what we really want is for everything to be different as long as we don't have to change anything. Perhaps we feel threatened by real change in our lives. We can be open and receptive to change when we allow ourselves to realize that everything is always changing anyway— that we ourselves are part and parcel of the ongoingness of life. As Heraclitus, the Greek philosopher, said, "All is change but the law of change itself." We can make our peace with the great fact of change, relax and let change have its way with us and be in tune with the flow of this life. 

What does it mean to be a whole person? We hear talk of holistic this-and-that these days. What does wholeness mean to us? A whole person is someone who is integrated— mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually— which means: just being who we really are without artifice. Margot Fonteyn said, "Great artists are people who find the way to be themselves in their art." Yet so many of us are trying to be someone else. I think we grow up with the idea that just being ourselves isn't good enough—somehow we should be better than we are or different than we are. Perhaps real wholeness and self-integration come when we relax so completely that we simply allow who and what we are to be—without our needing to be anything or anyone other than who we are. There is a natural state in which each of us rests in our own uniqueness and where we discover our true identity and our oneness with all life.